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Post by wncbravesfan on Apr 20, 2018 20:27:38 GMT -5
I like to finish other people's sentences because my version is better.
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Post by Hart's Middle Finger on Apr 22, 2018 12:16:26 GMT -5
I know that silence is golden, but having two boys, I just find it suspicious.
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Post by wncbravesfan on Apr 22, 2018 12:49:54 GMT -5
IDEA: What if we legalize cannabis in all 50 states, and use the taxes to repair roads and highways and call it Operation Pot Hole?
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Post by wncbravesfan on Apr 23, 2018 9:21:09 GMT -5
If life was a YouTube video, Monday would be that annoying ad that doesn't have the "You can skip in 5 seconds" option.
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Post by wncbravesfan on Apr 23, 2018 10:31:12 GMT -5
I often get a "yes" from women...but it's usually followed by..."that's him officer"
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Post by wncbravesfan on Apr 23, 2018 17:21:42 GMT -5
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I'm a 10.
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Post by wncbravesfan on Apr 24, 2018 10:57:19 GMT -5
The best salesperson ever was the first woman to shave off her eyebrows and draw them back on, then convince a second woman to do it.
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Post by wncbravesfan on Apr 24, 2018 22:11:32 GMT -5
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Post by wncbravesfan on Apr 25, 2018 14:51:55 GMT -5
If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter. Oh, wait.
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Post by wncbravesfan on Apr 25, 2018 19:46:16 GMT -5
Factoid: Elvis Presley was naturally blonde.
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Post by wncbravesfan on Apr 25, 2018 22:04:44 GMT -5
1. The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my Elbow? .
"What? You're coming empty handed?"
______________________________ _________________
2. Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
______________________________ ______________________________ _____________
3. Irish Blonde
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men! ______________________________ ______________________________ _____________
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now. FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing. FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex. FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, sunshine!
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Post by wncbravesfan on Apr 26, 2018 11:30:25 GMT -5
Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least he is one actor who keeps his hands to himself.
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Post by wncbravesfan on Apr 26, 2018 11:31:16 GMT -5
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?
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Post by wncbravesfan on Apr 27, 2018 9:47:50 GMT -5
A guy in a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred dollars he'd give me three hundred back in a month. It sounded too good to be true, but then I realized that it was just a Fonzi scheme.
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Post by wncbravesfan on Apr 28, 2018 8:54:41 GMT -5
To make up for all the junk I ate over the past week, I plan to run 91 miles today.
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